Nico’s Red Truck- My thoughts on PTSD

 

When I use to hear the term PTSD/trauma I use to think it was this complex situation that only involved those that resembled its description outwardly.  You know “they looked like what they had been through.” I personally have been diagnosed with PTSD in my 20’s. But the diagnosis wasnt enough. I still felt as if it had no connection to me. It wasn’t until I wrote out on a piece of paper the 12 significant deaths that happened in my life from ages 11-29.  The shit blew my mind.

It started with a dream that someone that I loved deeply died. The death was raw and I felt it in every ounce of my being. I sat for days after this dream trying to figure out why was this feeling of death, grief, and loss  was so familiar. It almost felt like home. Something I was use to experiencing. I knew that this wasn’t normal, so I wrote in my journal. 12 names. 12 names came up. These experiences vary from murder, accidental death, gun violence,cancer, car accident, and most recent sudden death.I researched articles and news clippings,trying to find stories about these people. Thinking to myself “Who was the person that hit my friend with their car when he was walking to the bus stop?” I remember his brother holding us with his brothers blood stain sweat band around his wrist. I was 12. Or my 6th grade classmate that sat quietly at my table that I had befriended? She didnt come to school for days and I asked my teacher about her. She was murdered in her neigborhood. I don’t even think my mother was told by the school. I was 11. Lets not to mention my home boys that sat outside with me countless nights, letting me use their phones when I was on punishment and always walked me home. Who murdered them? 3 of them gone. No justice. I think about how many times I walked up Hawaiian Terrance with a extra pep in my step, watching my back and wondering “who would be next?”

After doing this research and actually saying the names of the people that I had lost and understanding the damage that happened to my brain, I realized that I had blocked a lot of stuff out. How could I have been in the top 10% of my class, editor of the school news paper, high school sorority, debutant,national honor society member, dancer on the band, and worked part time for Childrens Hospital teaching inner city kids and been surrounded by constant violence?  Easy, that’s what black children “do”. If we get a glimpse of what is possible in the future, we literally will jump hurdles over our surroundings. Looking back, I’m glad I had this mentality. However, as a grown emotionally intune woman I realized how dangerous burying those experieces can be. When you don’t process the complexity of the trauma in your life, you can float right into depression and still be functioning. Death,abuse, and loss become common. It becomes “apart of life.” You feel it and then you move on. I told myself, “not this time.”

I lost one of my friends I had for 16 years, suddenly. For the first time in my life, I properly grieved. I cried, I took personal days, I rambled on about her, I wore her clothes, I listened to the music she liked, I talked to her, I wrote her a letter, I did what I felt was necessary to process that… she was gone… and that it hurt. Like my other loved ones, she deserved to be grieved.I didn’t over achieve at work, or start that new work out, I didn’t go to my social media and post heavily to make face. I did no covering up. I didnt want to achieve, or fall back into the narrative of “thats what we do”,I wanted to feel.  I knew I had to do this because of my experiences with PTSD. I no longer have a desire to get over things, I only desire to get through them.

Trauma is real. Our children are experiencing it and so are we. We can see our brothers and sister get killed or die on a daily by a single swipe. It hurts to know that trauma has constant access to us. We no longer stumble upon it. This piece is important to me because I dont “look like what I’ve been through.” I dont want to either, but I feel as if its important to tell my story. Meek Mills made the song Trauma on his latest album Championship and it brought me to tears and it encouraged me to write this.  My vantage point was different from Meeks, but our worlds not to distant. So the next time you see that over achieving, super nice, and likeable kid, make sure you ask them ” You good, whats going on in your neighborhood?”

This post is dedicated to:

My Dad,Mary, TL, Aunt Debbie,Tonio, Meechie, Donovan, Tony, Britt and the others that lost their lives. I’ll never forget you. I’ll always play Nico’s Red Truck by Dijon for you!